i swim for brighter days.

how fickle my heart & how woozy my eyes.

tonight, being the radical piece of magnificence that it was, seems to have recovered a little something inside this scattered brain of mine. something that i thought i’d lost. something i thought i’d never find ever again.

hope.

see, these past years have made me a really incredulous, completely pessimistic kind of girl. my eyes lost their sparkle & my voice lost it’s cutting edge and stability…i guess my whole world just shut the sun out for a while. i clouded the atmosphere with this giant, opaque blizzard. it was just this very dense, bleak sky made of ruthless turbid winds. the darkness plagued every corner of my life for so long, my eyes turned a cold grey and my heart froze in isolation…and there was no breath. there was no infinite feeling of euphoria that i’d grown so accustomed to. i stopped going to school. i stopped talking to everyone. i stopped believing in having belief. i stopped living. i just completely lost my mind.

but one day, sick of simply existing, i just started praying.

and i prayed.

and eventually, i awoke one day to this feeling that i thought i’d very much forgotten. it was this sudden surge of complete liberation and awe and all of a sudden i was hit smack in the face with this epitome of total grandeur. my heart had been lonely for so long, i’d forgotten about the things that mattered most. i let myself go astray. i let my fears and my doubts get the best of me…and i sacrificed all that i’d always sworn i never would. my family, my best friend, my education, my eyes…my heart. i let my passion for life slip through my fingers.

and then there, suddenly jerked awake…my mind understood how eminent my life truly is. i finally saw that this world is the most beautiful thing we’ve got…because it’s the only thing we’ve got. while yes, it’s so incredibly corrupted and chaotic and riotous and tumultuous and just completely obstreperous…it’s the only thing we have, therefore it must be embraced.

i don’t know what came over me. maybe it was the much-anticipated and finally achieved absence of these demons. hell, maybe it was God. who knows. all i know is that life is the most sacred thing that i have.

and i refuse to let it keep wasting away.

1. “I Gave You All” - Mumford & Sons
2. “Timshel” - Mumford & Sons